Thursday, January 10, 2008

The top four sickest things about being on the rag that no girl will ever tell you

1. Pooping
You have to time your pooping. Why? Because there is a string hanging out of your vagina. It's like a little tail, and it's also like a little poop magnet. If you try to poop without also changing your tampon, you risk getting poop on the tampon string. It's not super common, and you can avoid it by being careful, but it's a lot to manage when you can't even see most of the area in question. Also, it is so so disgusting when it does happen that it's worth being hypervigilant. So you have to like pull the string up, poop, wipe very carefully. Sometimes when you poop the tampon starts to come out a little, like it's pushed out by whatever kind of intravaginal pressure results from the poop coming out. Then you have to change the tampon, because having it partway out hurts. So it's important to time your poops so you can just change tampons at the same time and not have to worry about any of it. But, as a coffee drinker, sometimes this is not so feasible. Even if it is, there is still the toilet full of bloody poop.

2. Scraping
The reason you have to time the poops is because if you take the tampon out too early it scrapes. This is not so much painful as just gross and unpleasant, like imagine filling your mouth with cotton balls. The tampon has to be soaked enough with blood so that it's moderately lubricated when you pull it out, otherwise it's rough cotton dragging across dry parched vagina. This is not such an issue on your heaviest days, but there are a good 3-4 days every month where you have to be careful of this.

3. Chunks
It's funny because like you would imagine the blood coming out of your vagina during menstruation to be a bit like the blood that comes out of your arm or leg when you get cut or scraped. But it's not. It's got all sorts of chunky tissue in it. Mostly they look like little jellies, or little blobs of glue, but sometimes they're more textured. These chunks don't sink into the tampon, but rather just kind of cling to it, so when you pull the tampon out they like to wave and say hello. Sometimes I just sit on the toilet and peer between my legs as they hit the water. They look like some kinda sick cross between a jellyfish and a maggot, only blood red, and when they hit the water they sink to the floor of the toilet, leaving a trail of bloody water coming off of them. It's kind of pretty, only also disgusting. I read once that 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage in the first trimester, and that the women don't even know it because they're passed with the menstrual flow. Consequently, I always wonder when I see those chunks if one of them may be my son or daughter.

4. Cramps
Yeah yeah yeah. We've all heard how bad they are. You know what? No you fucking haven't. Menstruation is the lining of your uterus--all those chunks we talked about--being shed. It's sort of like an internal scab being ripped off--and that's what it feels like. Imagine the lining of one of your internal organs being sloughed off. The closest thing that I can direct you to for an example of what this feels like is when you are bleeding from a wound. Do you know how when you cut yourself, the aching feeling of losing blood? Great, now imagine your entire pelvic area feeling like that. If you let yourself focus on it, you will inevitably think Oh god, I am going to bleed to DEATH.

18 comments:

Chazite said...

Why don't you go play in an area full of bears? Or go swimming in areas that sharks are known to live in.

Oh, and quit bitching about your cramps.. we have to put up with you being a bitch every month, that's pain enough.

Elizabeth said...

there you go, you said it perfectly. gentlemen, the lady has put in perfect prose all those things you wanted to ask and could NEVER muster the courage to even imagine and ladies, she's perfectly described it all. However, I have one suggestion: use a cup. they're way better, and they don't scrape or dangle. and they save your plumbing.

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Anonymous said...

I'm in love with this. I NEED to shown it to my boyfriend! He'll finally understand how I feel... Maybe.

Anonymous said...

I always feel like I'm going to bleed to death when I'm on my period

Anonymous said...

I had the "fruit punch" and i thought it was yummy .
..I have not gotten my final results again however.
...hope liking it truly is not a poor point ....and of course being pregnant
mind ought to be on this record lol I really feel so dumb occasionally .
)

my blog shawna lenee

Anonymous said...

Nah, never throw it out place it with your tools. Next time you might have a squeaky hinge or a caught nut break out the sunflower oil and have at it.

That's how I'm receiving rid of my previous canola oil as
well as the "light" olive oil I acquired like a gift.


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Faith Seemann said...

That was awesome!

Brandi said...

Definitely right on point down to the last detail! Can't wait to share this with my friends! Lol

Anonymous said...

You know what? Imagine losing blood through your ass for a week EVERY SINGLE MONTH. And also imagine that with that blood, you get an aching- sometimes even burning feeling- all over your stomach from this. I bet you wouldn't like it so much, would you? Also. I am willing to bet that any man that is insensitive enough to call women going through their periods "bitches" doesn't have anybody to put up with because no woman in her right mind would want your ass.

Anonymous said...

I'm 25, and have always been against birth control for its environmental impact, creepy sneaky weight-gain, and just overall artifical-ness... but the past 2-3 years of my period have been horrendous. Puking, sweating, incoherent speech, green face, explosive shitting of 4 million sardine-like strings, headache, backache, and not to mention the CRAMPS. Even with my heating pad on high, burning my skin, the pain made me wail in my room. Finally, I missed too many days at work and got fired and said enough is enough. I can't live like this anymore. I'll go on birth control and try to take care of myself as best I can and live my life finally. So far, so good. The cramps are maybe 5-10% of what they were.

Rori Sandiago said...

I am a guy and I don't know how everybody works however my girl stays pretty sick on the rag. She wants to have sex to help it. First thing in the morning and deep. I don't mind and I'm not grossed out but she is pretty heavy in the morning and something about it makes me cum three or four times. By the time its over we have a real mess and something in me now hurts from pumping her so full of my cum four times in a row.

Rori Sandiago said...

I am a guy and I don't know how everybody works however my girl stays pretty sick on the rag. She wants to have sex to help it. First thing in the morning and deep. I don't mind and I'm not grossed out but she is pretty heavy in the morning and something about it makes me cum three or four times. By the time its over we have a real mess and something in me now hurts from pumping her so full of my cum four times in a row.

Rori Sandiago said...

I am a guy and I don't know how everybody works however my girl stays pretty sick on the rag. She wants to have sex to help it. First thing in the morning and deep. I don't mind and I'm not grossed out but she is pretty heavy in the morning and something about it makes me cum three or four times. By the time its over we have a real mess and something in me now hurts from pumping her so full of my cum four times in a row.

Anonymous said...

This comment is more disgusting than when I diarrhea poop on my period.